


Trials in an Unexplored Universe, Endured by one David Strider, alongside Numerous Friends and Associates; in Numerous Parts

by AzraelNarrated



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Heaven-Only-Knows-What-Else, Journey Into the Mind, M/M, Post-Sburb, Simulated Entrepreneurship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-10-28 14:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzraelNarrated/pseuds/AzraelNarrated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sburb in a slightly altered Universe(s?). Dave Strider and Co. enter their new Universe. Dave makes a new friend and decides to wile away the eternity by pretending to run a business. What follows is too full of incident to be described.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Your name, Sir, is Dave Strider, and you are far too tired for this shit. You have just been traveling for God-only-knows how long with an amateur psychoanalyst ectobiological sister and two high-strung best friends in a thirty ton space war machine (and an asteroid) through a freaky technicolor hyperspace warp.

You have been killed multiple times. As have all your aforementioned friends and numerous humano-insectoid extra-universal aliens, who also happen to be traveling with you.

You begin to entertain the thought that your life may be slightly unorthodox.

Regardless, not moments ago, your ship slammed through to your new Universe, and amid all the excited chatter and enraged cursing that followed Egbert and Vantas wherever they went, you managed to get out of that old tin can you'd been forced to call home. And the sights were nothing short of disappointing.

The world was empty. If you were more inclined like your Sister, for example, you would wax philosophical about New Edens and the Gardens of Paradise, untapped potential, pioneers, the will of the travelers, explorers, yadda yadda, blah, blah, blah. But you are not your Sister. You are Dave Fucking Strider. And all _you_ could think of was the endless forests and fields before you. And no shelter. None. Granted, with the trolls considered and the alchimeters still working, it wouldn't take nearly as long to set things up as it would have, but still, who knew how different this Universe was? There was still weather to consider, the animals, that silhouette on the horizon-

Wait.

Shit.

It's still hard being you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins. This is my first fan-fiction (my first published work of any kind as a matter of fact). If you have any questions, comments, poorly thought-out insults, pasta recipes, etc., don't be afraid to let me know. As far as changes to the Universe, all I've (intentionally) done is make some minor alterations to the timeline, cut out the Alpha kids (maybe, time will tell if I find a way to weave them in), and added a character of my own. I know just hearing the abbreviation "OC" terrifies many of you; I swear it won't cause any changes in character, spontaneous, flowery declarations of love, etc. I can't stand those kinds either. Quick note: This story's been floating around in my head for a while now. As a result, I know where I _want_ to go with this, but I forget how I _got_ there the first time. Any suggestions would help.
> 
> -AN


	2. Shelter

All things considered, a person you've never met in a Universe you helped create was probably a bad sign.

A worse sign was that he was armed.

You forgot about your friends for a moment and took out Caledscratch. Thankfully, it wasn't broken at the moment. You try to think out something resembling a plan. He wasn't facing you at the moment, and the cloak he was wearing would probably slow him down. You could probably reach him in a flash-step and take him down in a heartbeat.

This isn't working. If you don't mind Sir, I'm going to switch to third person.

The plan wasn't working out. Dave flash-stepped behind the mysterious visitor and slashed, but he was gone. The next thing Dave felt was the silver butt of the stranger's scythe slam into his back and the blade cradling his neck.

"Mr. Strider. Glad to see you finally made it. You're three years and forty-six minutes late. Funny. I would've thought that the Knight of Time would be more punctual." Her voice didn't express any sort of amusement. "Let's go. Your technical sister and odd friends are probably starting to worry." She let him stand up and catch his breath. "...Heaven knows why." Wonderful. The mysterious, armed, _fast_ stranger not only knew his name, friends, and ectobiological family, she also had a sense of humor.

For whatever reason and against all laws of logic, Dave took her to the others. "Dave! Where were you? We were all talking and exploring and then Rose said 'Where's Dave?' and I said 'I don't know, I thought he was with you,' and-" Dave interrupted before John's head could explode. "Jegus, Egbert! Cool your shit! I was just busy with..." She curtsied. "Maria. But call me Mia. Call me Maria, and _I swear to God_ -" Mia took a moment to compose herself. She was a tall, pale woman. Her long black hair was tied back with a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. "Anyway, my Master sends his congratulations and he wants me to give you a gift. Follow me." Despite Karkat's misgivings, they followed her, weapons drawn, just in case, to a large, empty field. Mia reached into her cloak and took out what appeared to be a captchalogue card. She grinned. "Who wants to step inside first?"

...That is a preposterously large mansion.

After staring at each other in disbelief for several minutes, it was decided that Karkat would take the honor. Just in case. After a minute or two passed with no signs of a struggle, the others followed. Through the double doors was a large, domed, white marble foyer, the walls decorated with paintings and windows detailing their adventures. Mia was standing in a black business suit, straightening a painting of Karkat embracing Gamzee. "If there's anything you don't like, I can have it changed." She tied her hair into a bun. "It's just that the Master was very specific about what would make a good impression." Karkat snapped out of his shock. "WHO THE FUCK _IS_ 'THE MASTER', ANYWAY?" Mia held up a finger. "I'm sorry, please hold all questions until I actually start to care. Now, shall we continue the tour?" 


	3. Tours, Boredom, and Suggestions

The mansion was irresponsibly large. The library alone you could get lost in for days, the kitchen could probably feed a small army or hungry football team, and the communal bathroom had a bathtub/pool that could make a Marine nervous. "There's also a smaller bathroom connected to each of your rooms. No, Mr. Vantas, I will not stop talking like a blue-blood." Hopy shit. Mia continued. "Now, unless you have plans on going out in a blaze of screaming hellfire or glory relatively soon, in addition to improving or smashing your new universe as you see fit, the Master requires that you pick up a hobby to avoid getting bored and going..." she paused and chuckled, "delightfully insane. Now, please let me show you to your rooms." Their rooms were exactly as they'd left them. Karkat just looked more aggravated. "How the _fuck_ did you-?!" She cut him off: "Still don't care. Anyway, as with the rest of the house, just ask and We can change it." There were more rooms than there were occupants. John tapped Mia on the shoulder. "Uh, Mia? What are the extra rooms for?" Mia smiled. Her response was oddly sunny. "Oh, Sweetheart, I don't have the _slightest_ -" She paused, straightened her suit, and started whispering to herself. "Sir? You want me to- But that's only happened like- Of _course_ I'm not- Yes, Sir!" She cleared her throat. "Okay. Consider what I said about hobbies; I'll be busy for a while. Paperwork, dream-bubbles, et cetera*. Very important. Auf wiedersehen!"

Several days passed, and Dave was beginning to see what Mia meant by boredom and delightful insanity. Sure, it was great finally being able to play some terminally ill beats on your turntables and do things with your best pal-honcho without the threat of meteors or a dog wearing sunglasses hanging over his head, but he could only suffer through Egbert's movies so many times before they got stale. He decided to check out the library.

Jegus fuck that's a lot of books. Rose, who had decided to become the house's "librarian" (though she tended to stick to the occult section), helped him search through the hobby books. After several hours and nearly being crushed by _three different editions_ of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting blah blah blah the title goes on forever, _and_ a book on the Abjad numerological system (he was certain he heard the caryatid carvings on the sides of the bookshelf giggle), they stumbled on a copy of the helpfully titled "Eternal Hobbies for Morons (and Knights)". 66 chapters. Better start reading.


	4. The New Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yea, Master, we shall teach him the speech of the birds and the cattle, and all the things that creepeth upon and in the depths of the earth, and fly amongst the winds, and swim in the deepest waters, so that he might flourish amongst his companions in this life or the next."  
> - _Quotations of the Angel Azrael_ , to the Master before the conception of Solomon II, aka "Little Christ of the Winds"

Mia returned a few days later, a boy in a suit in tow. Dave had been preparing his parts of the house for his new hobby. Namely: pretending to run a business, though he understood approximately jack shit about the particulars. Honestly, it would've embarrassed a lesser man. It seemed like something you'd find a four year old doing. Like "Mommy! Mommy! I'm runnin' a business!" "Yeah, yeah. That's nice, sweetie. Now fuck off, mommy's got a chardonnay to nurse." That's what made it the perfect job for him. He still wasn't quite sure what his company was actually making, though. Music, maybe?

Regardless of the company's directionlessness, Dave was in the middle of a Highly Important First Quarter Bullshit Meeting with the empty chairs around the conference table in the meeting room that had somehow attached itself to his room while he was sleeping when Mia burst in, dressed and speaking like a chipper 20-something 50's secretary or maybe switchboard operator (or "call-girl", if you were being cheeky. He'd have to remember that for later). "Good Afternoon, Mister Strider! Your 3:00 is here." Okay, apparently she'd gotten the memo somehow while she was out and hired herself as his secretary. He decided he'd let her get away with it for now. His "3:00" was a tall, nervous-looking troll with what appeared to be metal legs under his pants and massive horns jutting from his head. Seriously, those fuckers were _huge._ Mia continued. "I thought that the house could use a staff and most businesses have more than two employees, so I'd like to introduce you to Tavros Nitram. The new Help." Tavros. Tavros... . Something about that name and his doe-eyed demeanor was oddly familiar. "Try to keep it in your pants, son." Mia chuckled and whispered to herself. "Oh, Master, this should be interesting... ."

The "Tavros Question" taunted him for days. So, like any normal, well-adjusted young man, Dave decided to follow him around almost non-stop. That just made it worse. The odd stutter, the nervousness, the terrible rap skills, the light brownish-orange blush that spread across his face every time he got flustered-

Wait.

Shit.

Did Dave just say that out loud?  
Judging by the colors Mia was turning, the answer was _Fuck, YES, you moron!_ She finally stopped about five minutes later. "Why, Mr. Strider! I didn't know you were a 'confirmed bachelor'! Oh, your sister's going to love this! But since you went through all that trouble stalking the object of your secret affections, I'll give you a hint. Later. Maybe. Au revoir, mon petit toréador!" Before he could deny anything, she was gone.

And then it all came rushing back. A grin spread across his face. Oh joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could really use some help getting the Homestuck characters' dialogue right. I have rough approximations of the way they talk, but I'm not sure I can get it right. If you have any suggestions or pointers whatsoever, don't hesitate to send me an e-mail or two. I want to have some real dialogue between Dave and Tav in the next chapter, and it'll probably take me a while to write it on my own.
> 
> -AN


	5. A Little Game

Dave knew exactly what to do with his new information. Namely, cold-blooded torture. Tavros had just returned from "getting the dry-cleaning" (Translation: alchemizing fresh clothes and then being absolutely useless for several minutes, then coming back and complaining about "how long the line was").

"Uhh... sorry, Da-"

Mia cleared her throat.

"Uhh, _Mister Strider_...?"

Mia smiled, nodded, and went back to typing random gibberish at her desk outside.

"...the, uhh, line was-"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Tavbro. Ya did good. Maybe I'll let you finally sate your greed for crotch-dachshund soon"

Mia giggled.

"Uhh. _What?_ "

"You don't remember me? Fucking tragic. I'll be crying into my pillow all night. Probably drown the poor thing. Its children will be all 'Where's Daddy? Where's Daddy?', and the wife'll go 'He's dead, kids! your Daddy's dead!'"

" _What??_ "

"Dang, Tav, I thought we had something. I thought we were in this for the long haul. I was feeling so friggin' _matrimonial!_ Look into my eyes, Tavbro. See that twinkle? That be _devotion._ Shit's more meal than Kraft Mayo."

The realization finally hit. "Oh my God, it's _you._ " He turned and ran. And Mia slammed the door shut. That's how they both got stuck in Dave's office. They could both hear Mia through the walls. "HAH! Poor bastard hit a stud! Oy. Seriously. He's never gettin' out. You might try tearing the door off the hinges, but then again, it might get caught on the other horn, and I stole your screwdriver." Dave cocked an eyebrow. "You _what. _" Mia switched back into "housewife mode" and chuckled. "Oh, Sweetheart! I only do what I do because it's _hilarious.___ Now, if you're going to be holed up staring at the Help's ass in your office all night, I'm going to tell everyone you know and hit the hay. G'night!"

Tavros started to panic. "Uhh, Mia? Mia! Dave! What are we going to, uhh, do?" Dave remained poker faced as ever. "Well, I suppose I could just throw random shit at you until you burst through the other side like the fucking Kool-Aid man,..." Tavros started to jerk back harder in a desperate attempt at freedom. Dave pulled his timetables out of his sylladex. "...then again, there is the whole 'Knight of Time' thing."

-TOCK. Tick. TOCK. Tick...-

"...everyone you know and hit the hay. G'night!"

Mia turned around and her smile disappeared. She quickly shoved a coat under the door and checked her watch. "Oh, poo. You weren't supposed to be here now yet... oh well. What can I do ya for, Sweetheart?" Dave just held out his hand. Mia sighed, walking over to her desk and returning with the screwdriver and a tub of butter. "Oh, you're no fun. And I'll have you know, I don't approve of sexual torture under this roof, young man!" The DJ cocked an eyebrow. "Sexual torture?" "Oh yeah. Those horns are really... _receptive._ Heaven only knows why. Now who told you that? It was that Egbert kid, wasn't it? Always knew he was a bad seed..." ~~Mrs. Cleaver~~ Mia wandered off, still babbling, and Dave could almost hear "worried" sitcom scene transition music following behind her.

He began to entertain the thought that she might not be entirely "normal".

-Tick. TOCK. Tick. TOCK...-

After a few minutes of fussing, unscrewing, and, no doubt, plenty of accidental (and "accidental") horn fondling, Dave finally got the door off Tavros' right horn.

"Uhh, Dave? What about the, uhh, other horn?"

And then came the fun part.

"Okay, Tav, I'm going to make myself as unsexy as possible as a Strider can be for this next part, not that it'll help much. Just close your big ol' eyes. Or don't. I don't judge.

Tavros looked up as well as he could with his horn jammed in a stud. "Uhh, Dave? Wh- what are you- mm! Uhh. D-Dave, I- Oh... Oh Gog. Dave, I- yahhh- Dave _stop!"_ He jerked his head back, freeing the offending horn and revealing the note tied to it. Dave managed to pull it off with his buttery violator hand before Tavros scrambled out the door and down the hall:

>   
> 
> 
> 786  
>  Dave:  
>  Don't worry about the wall or the door; my people will take care of it. Just stop screwing the Help and be glad I didn't "accidentally" send this to John this time.  
>  -M

The housewife was a slippery bitch, he'd give her that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/19/12- I apologize. It appears that, for whatever reason, when I tried to post this chapter the first time, it cut out half the chapter I spent half the night finishing. So, second verse, same as it was last night, I suppose. I'll be working on it. It should be back to complete by tomorrow, if I'm not busy.
> 
> 2/20/12  
> Ta-da! C'est fini! Not as well as I would've liked, but pretty close. Expect the next chapter sometime close to the weekend if the programming and such don't give me grief.
> 
> -AN
> 
> P.S.: I still maintain that it would be nice if I could have some feedback, suggestions, or at least a cough from the cheap seats so I know my hit counter isn't just full of traitorous lies like my mother.


	6. Class is in Session

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning: If you read the last chapter and it ended the first time Mia said good-night or after Tavros started frantically attempting to pull himself from the wall, you didn't read the entire chapter. There was some sort of saving error.
> 
> -AN

Mia woke everyone up the next day at an unbearably early hour. Granted, no one was quite sure _how_ early, given that no one had gotten around to time measurement or even clock alchemization yet, but it wasn't long after sunrise. Mia was standing in the foyer, in front of all the tired six sweep-olds and teenagers. She was all business at the moment, as evidenced by her immaculate business suit and her note-to-self: "Strictly business", written over and over. Dave was the last to arrive. Mia glanced through one of the unstained windows at the sun, then back at Dave. "Thank you for finally gracing us with your presence, _Mister _Strider." The "s" was drawn out like a hiss. Dave used what little early-morning strength he had to respond with a low and extremely ostentatious bow. John, Jade, and a few trolls hazarded some chuckles. Mia cleared her throat. "Okay. I've decided to wake you all up at this ungodly hour to get some important news out of the way- SHUT UP, KARKAT!" Karkat, still silent, scowled. "-Anyway. First order of business. Tavros, I imagine with all the Weird Time Shit and general busyness you've probably forgotten, so I'll remind you: your wriggling day was yesterday. I would've reminded you yesterday, but I decided I didn't give a damn. Apparently all your friends did too. So happy 7th. Next! I know a lot of you are still reeling fro Tavros' reappearance, but you're going to have to forget him at least a bit less than you did yesterday. Expect a few more new arrivals-"__

"HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN-"

"I SAID _**SHUT UP!"**_ Karkat dodged her pocket knife. "Lastly: I've been told to make myself more immediately useful to you all instead of just waiting for you all to plop this eternity, so I'll be holding classes to teach you halfwits about each others' respective cultures and all that crap. First class starts in two hours. Get some sleep."

She didn't have to tell anyone twice.

\---

"... and America and Alaskan Archipelago were south and west, respectively, of the Great North Sea, which extended north until we hit..." Mia stopped pointing to a massive body of water north of Montana and started scribbling on the chalkboard in that odd, somehow excessively cheery, perfect cursive that all young schoolmarms were somehow endowed with when imparting their knowledge on the young folk, enunciating every syllable as if they were all new at reading, or maybe she seriously doubted her own abilities of pronunciation. "... theeee. Ark. Tick. Suuuur. Culll. Any questions?" John, ever helpful, raised his hand. "Actually, Mia, _Cana-"_ She smacked a ruler on his desk. _**"Do you dare speak its name?!"**_ John looked confused. "Uhhh... no?" Mia's saccharine smile returned. And so went the class, small as it was (most didn't show up due to lack of interest. Dave and John just showed up as "teacher's aides", a term which, in Dave's case, meant "standing back and watching the hilarity unfold"). Mia taught, occasionally lapsing into apparently post-traumatic ramblings about "the Unholy Terrors of the Great North Sea". Dave watched for a few more minutes, then snuck to the kitchen.

\---

A while later, Dave got back to work. Another day, another imaginary dollar. Then Mia, Terezi, and Tavros burst into his office. Tavros was flustered. "Sorry, uhh, Mister Strider, they just let themselves in!" Mia, now apparently a hard-boiled 40's something-or-other, took a seat and took out her cigarette case. "Yer damn right we just walked inta yer office, sweet-cheeks! The broad mannin' the reception desk went on break. Really should fire her." "Her Honorable Tyranny" cut to the chase. "We're here for the harassment suit!" Dave walked over to the coffee maker, took a drink, and spat it out. " _Harassment? What the-?_ " Tavros looked equal parts confused and terrified.

Terezi cackled. "From what I hear, you covered your fingers in a lubricant and rubbed his horns without his consent. And, since you're not kismessises, and matesprits usually don't do that sort of thing, Mia says you're outside the law, which means I get to sentence you to a slow, merciless, painful death!" Tavros looked pale. Dave sighed. "Good Gog, Mia. Are you some sort of psychopath, or are you just _really_ in character?" Mia took out a steno pad and scribbled a note: **_YES._** Dave held his wrists out. "Okay then. I suppose I've got no excuse. Take me away!" He jumped up, throwing his head to the side dramatically. "WAIT!" Tavros stood up, startled by his own reaction. Terezi turned to Mia and whispered. "Can he do that?" Mia shrugged. "In the human system, yes. Never really cared for it myself, sweetheart. Humor him if you want to, you're the dame with the gavel." Terezi turned back to Tavros. "Continue." Tavros gulped. "He, uhh... he was helping me, uhh, out of the wall." Now it was Terezi's turn to look confused and Dave's to look worried. 

"He _what?"_

"Tavros, I'd uh... _really_ rather you stopped now."

"He, uhh... he pulled me out of, uhh, out of the wall. Right over there."

"TAVROS!"

"You were stuck in the _wall?_ By your _horns?"_

"Uhh. Yes? Mia said it was, uhh, a "stud". If I'm being honest, I, uhh... suppose it was _technically,_ uhh, _Dave's_ fault, but-"

Terezi jumped up, shouted "COURT IS ADJOURNED, I'LL BE IN MY CHAMBERS!", and disappeared just as suddenly as she'd arrived, a downright euphoric Mia in tow. Dave rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Thanks, Tavbro. By the way..." He pulled a covered silver serving tray out from under his desk and lifted the lid, revealing a not-exactly well-frosted chocolate cake. "Happy Wriggling Day. Now make a wish." "Tavros stepped back. "Uhh. What?" Dave waved the question away. "Earth custom. Just roll with it."

Tavros thought for a moment.

"Uhh, Dave? Can I, uhh, see your eyes?"

Dave paused, sat down, and took off his sunglasses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeeeeah... . _Really_ could've elaborated more, Tav.
> 
> -AN


	7. Another Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "LISTEN, CHILD! Listen to the orders of your Master and mine! In good time a child shall be granted to you. You will teach him to number the days, that he might direct them as he wills, and profit from them as He wills. Do this and I shall guard thee well for All Time."  
> - _Quotations of the Angel Azrael_ , to his Scribe, bearing the good news of the arrival of the Little Messiah of the Big Burning City

Mia was gone again the next day. She'd left a note on her desk, written on company letterhead:

**Dave Strider and Co.**

**Makers of Fine Fuck-Knows-What Since Fuck-Knows-When**

 

Chief-

 

I’ll be out for a few days picking up some “groceries” (ha ha!). Don’t bother looking for me in the fields. Not that kinda groceries, champ. Try not to let Mr. Makara gut you like an ironic trout. I’m still trying to get his anger under control. (You should’ve _seen_ what he did to that dummy. It was _hilarious!_ )

-M

 

P.S.- Don’t molest the butler, either. _I’m_ still drowning in legal fees. (Thanks for signing my contract for me, by the way. Jackass.)

P.P.S.- Speaking of the butler, I felt guilty about his birthday, so I'll be getting him a gift too.

P.P.P.S.- We also have company letterhead now. Don't ask. Or answer the phones.

 

Dave grinned. Writing _and_ signing a contract for her was genius. He decided to get some "work" done and leave early. "Tavros!" Tavros came in, apparently while dancing a jig. He knocked over a coat rack, a floor lamp and two chairs before he managed to stand somewhat still. "Uhh, sorry, sir! I, uhh, my- my leg is, uhh, malfunctioning." He pulled up his pant leg. His left leg was still kicking. Lightly, but still enough to mess him up. Dave chuckled. "Damn, Tav! I know we had some fun last night, but I didn't think I'd leave you walking funny!" This was somewhat true; they'd gotten to talking, and a distracted Tavros tripped and apparently twisted his ankle. As usual, the double-entendre sailed right over his head. "Uhh. What?" Dave shook his head. "Nothing. Mia's out, can you get me the Silverman account?" The troll nodded and tried hopping out on one foot before tripping and taking a header into the file cabinet behind Mia's desk. Only his "massive rack" (as Dave affectionately and sometimes poetically called his horns) saved him from a concussion. "Uhh, I'm okay!" After another struggle getting to Dave's desk, he handed over the file, filled, as were the others, with terrible sketches and ideas for SBaHJ strips. Dave waved him away. "Thanks, Tav. Why don't you take the rest of the day off, or something?" Tavros stared at him for a while, then snapped out of it. "Th- thanks, uhh, Mr. Strider." Dave got back to work when the crashes faded away.

\---

Around noon (Dave figured the sun was about high enough for it to pass for "noon"), Dave left to find some lunch and see what everyone else was doing. Lunch was easy enough; the pantry was fully stocked when it popped out of Mia's sylladex, apparently, and it looked like it would be another few months before they actually had to _work_ to find food. His friends, however, took a little more work to find. (Seriously, the place was _huge_. How the _heck_ did she manage to fit this in her sylladex?) John shanghaied him and Karkat into a Nicholas Cage marathon later (God have mercy), Aradia was studying the ins and outs of time, time travel, timelines, et cetera; Sollux was being an insufferable prick, Gamzee he'd watched from a safe distance in the classroom, muttering about Mia and her "blasphemies" while buffing out the deep scratches he'd made in the chalkboard, Jade and Kanaya were apparently exploring outside, attempting to get the lay of the land and catalog any new flora and fauna, and Rose was in the library, poring over several stacks of books and taking notes.

"Jacob, John, and baby Jegus, Lalonde! You know the SATs ceased to exist with the rest of our universe, right?" Rose smiled. "I'm well aware of the nonexistence of Standardized Aptitude Tests, Dave. What I'm looking into is our gracious host." Dave cocked an eyebrow. "Mia? What's wrong with her? Her Cleaverian attitude and dress habits? Her violent mood swings? Her ability to captchalogue and contain an entire gigantic, immculately decorated mansion in her sylladex? _Please._ What could be more normal?" Rose kept writing. "Obvious sarcasm aside, brother, that's exactly what I find wierd about her. That and her apparent ability to rise the dead. Tell me: do her reactions to things often seem a little overboard?" Dave thought. She always flipped out at Karkat, she once laughed for ten minutes at a joke from one of John's rom-coms, there was that time at dinner when she all-out _sobbed_ when she dropped a platter... . "Yeah, and?"

"Have you ever seen or heard her stutter, stammer, trip, or so much as stumble?"

"Not really."

Rose picked up another hefty tome: _Quotations of the Angel Azrael_ by Timaeus the Younger-Elder. "It requires much more study, but if my hunch is correct, she has no emotions of her own. All she can do is analyze her current situation and act out what she believes is an appropriate response. Sometimes she overacts. Happens to all inexperienced actors, I suppose." Dave looked at the book. 786 chapters. His poor ecto-sister was suicidal. "So, what you're saying is...?" Rose shook her head. "Nothing yet. I need to study more." She paused. "So how _is_ that "butler" of yours, anyway?"

Dave made a break for it.

\---

Later that night, Dave woke up for a glass of water and noticed Tavros' door was open. He walked in and turned on the light. The first thing he noticed, in his half-asleep state, was that Tavros was _adorable_ when he was sleeping. The second, that Tavros' legs were in the corner. The third, Mia was back, and she had a knife. Mia smiled. "Fear not and calm yourself, child! Help me take him to the tub." Dave was beginning to wake up a little, but he picked Tavros up anyway. "What the fuck are you doing?" They stopped by her desk first, where she took some bottles and bags from the largest drawer. "I'm just giving little Tavrah a belated surprise birthday gift. Just put him in the water, sweetheart. Don't let him fall in!" She'd already filled the tub and drawn the privacy curtains. "Well, it's more of a surprise birthay _medical procedure_..." She took out a bottle of yellow liquid. "Let's see... a drizzle of Hope." Silver liquid. "Half a cup of Wishful Thinking..." She looked at Tavros and frowned. " _A cup_ of Wishful Thinking... three coins from a dead man's pocket, thank you, Mr. Hussie... and I have no idea what _this_ stuff is, but I'm throwin' it in anyway!" After she added the last ingredient, the water glowed. "Okay, sweetheart, pull him out." Dave pulled Tavros out of the water while Mia took out what appeared to be a bag of clay and a sculpting tool. "Thank you, Dave. Now **_sleep._** "

Dave fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good God, this took way too long. Any of you know where I can find a good slaaaaaaaaaassistant?
> 
> -AN


	8. Chapter 8

Mia woke everyone again for a new announcement: she'd brought two new trolls. Dave was too inexplicably tired to even pretend to be interested. Karkat was starting an argument again. "... my _reason,_ Mister Vantas, is because Miss Leijon's interests run parallel to my own and _apparently_ she and Mister Zahhak are some sort of package deal. I've decided not to question it. As for my _methods,_ \- GOD DAMN IT, NITRAM, I DON'T GIVE GIFTS TWICE!" Dave snapped awake, as did the others. "Mister Zahak" rushed over to the bottom of the stairs. Apparently Tavros had fallen. "It's fine. I'll take care of it. His left leg was always- _WHAT THE FUCK?!?!_ " Everyone besides Mia and Rose rushed to the stairs. Rose whispered something to her, and Mia simply followed her towards the library. Dave decided to investigate that later. Tavros, shocked awake by his fall, was stammering, but it was extremely hard to hear him over the shocked babbling of everyone else. Equius had rolled up Tavros' left pant leg, revealing a perfectly normal, fully operational, all-natural, standard-issue troll left leg. Dave decided to start his investigation early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is an extremely short one. I've just been out of it for a while, and I want to prove I'm not dead. I should have a longer chapter up soon, God-willing.
> 
> -AN
> 
> EDIT: For several reasons, I'm going to be giving this story a complete overhaul. Wish me luck.


End file.
